nerd to the core
I will be shooting some polaroids at my friend Amber's going away party this Friday. 'Bout effin' time, I know. If you plan on being there and want your totally awesome photo taken, you can walk away with the original for a mere 2 bucks. Big ideas in this small brain.
Okay. Also on my mind.... In an effort not to continue to alienate people I come in contact with, I have successfully copied and pasted the "source", if you will, of most of my seemingly bizarre references and one-liners. (See below) Read and study it thoroughly, friends, as there just might be a line or two that you can fit in to your everyday banter or cap off that truly awesome conversation with the boss. Or just humor me and say you read some of it. Or better yet, watch the damn movie like 8 times in a row (if you can find it-- thanks Universal for your totally rad decision to not release it again on DVD).
ABRIDGED VERSION FROM THE WIKI:
Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie
[Below the main deck of the SOL, Crow (wearing a soldier's helmet) digs at the floor with a pickax. He's already gotten through the first layer of the ship's inner hull.]
Crow [singing]: It's a long way to Tipperary, to the sweetest girl I know...Goodbye to Noah Beery, hello Harold Lloyd...
Mike: Crow!
Crow: Huh?
Mike: Crow, you've gotta stop!
Crow: Oh hi, Mike! I found the perfect spot. Once I break through this wall, we'll tunnel our way right back to Earth!
Servo: Crow, you big dope, you can't tunnel through space!
Crow: Come, come, boys! We must confound Jerry at every turn!
Servo: Crow, no! You'll breach the hull!
[Crow strikes the floor with the pickax again, creating a large hole in the ship's hull. Everything starts violently decompressing in the vacuum. A light declaring the message "Hull Breach!" flashes madly.]
Mike [screaming]: Aaaahh! Crooooow!
Crow [overlapping Mike's screaming]: Whooooooaaa, I didn't expect this!!
[Servo struggles against the force of the vaccum to avoid being sucked out of the ship.]
Servo [straining]: Gaining maximum RPM...adjusting pitch and yaw thrusters...stabilize...there! That should do it...
[Servo momentarily gains stability, only to lose it a moment later and be pulled towards the hole, screaming. Mike grabs one of Servo's hands, stretching out the spring that makes Servo's arm.]
Crow: Wow, this IS confusing! Mike, you wanna hand me my calculations?
[The wind blows Crow's page of calculations directly into his face.]
Crow: Thank you!...Well, look at that - "Breach hull, all die." Even had it underlined...
[Servo's arm is stretching closer to its breaking point as he draws closer to the hole.]
Servo [hysterical]: Whoa! Ow! I don't wanna die! Ow! Oh, mommy! Mommy! I LOVE YOU, MIKE!
[Servo's hand finally detaches from his arm, and he goes hurtling towards the hole.]
Mike: SERVOOOOOO!!!
[Servo lands in the hole - and his hoverskirt directly covers it up, stopping the decompression. Mike regains his composure and kneels down next to Servo and Crow.]
Mike: 'Atta boy, Servo!
Crow: I won't do that again.
Servo: Hey, I'm experiencing a sensation altogether new to me - and frankly, I love it!
Mike: Now, Crow, I told you - no more escape attempts.
Crow: Believe me, Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding against the odds that I was doing something incredibly stupid...and I went ahead anyway.
[Mike removes Servo from the hole and covers it up with Crow's helmet.]
Servo: Aw, darn.
[The opening credits display: "Universal-International presents".]
Mike: Doesn't the fact that it's universal make it international?
[The title of the movie slowly fade in view as "THIS ISLAND EARTH".]
Servo [as Rod Roddy]: This island Earth can be yours if the price is right!
. . .
[The actors' names gradually fade in and out.]
Servo: Okay, let's see here. Shatner, Shatner… Nope! Doesn't look like he's in this one. We're safe.
⇒ Referring to melodramatic actor William Shatner, Captain Kirk from Star Trek.
[The camera pans over an urban sprawl.]
Servo [as commercial announcer]: When in California, be sure to visit beautiful--
["Washington, D.C." appears on screen]
Servo: ...oh.
⇒ Refers to Universal Studios advertising.
[The camera pans over to the greens-like National Mall in Washington D.C.]
Crow [as Golf Sportscaster]: It's a long par five leading to the nation's capital.
[The camera pans over a shot of a snow-capped mountain range.]
Servo: Oh jeez, there's soccer teams laying all over the place!
⇒ Referring to the 1972 Andes plane crash that forced the surviving soccer team members to turn to cannibalism.
[Shot of plane with 2 things hanging off bottom, perhaps landing gear]
Crow: Hey, his legs are sticking out!
[Dr. Cal Meacham buzzes the tower in his jet. Webb and Joe pointlessly duck, then scramble to their feet and look out the window.]
Servo [as Webb/Stinger]: Maveriiiickk!!
[Dr. Cal Meacham's plane, engines out, is coasting in to a crash landing when it is suddenly suffused with a mysterious green glow
Servo [as Meacham]: Suddenly I have a refreshing mint flavor.
[Plane is landing, flashing green]
Crow:Eat at Joe's Eat at Joe's Eat at Joe's.
[After his mysteriously remote-controlled landing, Meacham and his assistant Joe are walking to their lab.]
Mike [as Joe]: So, was being green fun?
Servo [as Meacham]: Look, I don't want to talk about it anymore.
. . .
[In the lab, through a viewport, we see a rectangular metal slab suspended above a squat, boxy metal coil.]
Mike: Oh, yeah. This is when science didn't have to have any specific purpose.
Dr. Meacham: Lowering the cylinder.
Servo [as Meacham]: Inserting the breakfast pastry.
Crow [as Narrator]: [darkly] The top secret government Eggo project.
Servo [as Meacham]: Contact Dr. Jemima!
Mike [as Meacham]: God, I love the blueberry ones best. Mmmm.
[Meacham flips a switch. The toaster-like coil starts to red with heat, and we hear a pinging sound.]
Dr. Meacham: Increase the rate of reaction.
Servo [as Meacham]: Start warming the syrup!
Mike [as Meacham]: Yum!
[Cal and Joe play with some knobs and dials. The "toaster" emits loud grinding noises.]
Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay.
Crow [as Meacham]: Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around.
. . .
[At the end of the experiment, the toaster object blows up.]
Mike [as Meacham/Morrison]: Oh, my God! My waffle! Oh, the humanity!
[A delivery man is walking to the lab with a package.]
Mike [as Delivery Man]: [muttering angrily] Sort this, deliver that — I'll make 'em all pay!
Crow [as Joe, signing for the package]: Wilt...Chamberlain. [Joe walks away from the door, examining the package] Hey, how'd they get Blow-Up Wanda in here?
[Meacham and Joe have unpacked the mass of ordered parts, which cover every surface throughout the lab.]
Meacham: There's two thousand, four hundred, and eighty-six parts.
[Joe takes a step.]
Crow [as Joe]: [makes crunching noise] Four eighty-five, sir.
. . .
[A montage shows Cal and Joe busy with assembly.]
Crow [as Announcer]: Industry! Science and technology!
Servo [as Announcer]: Big men, putting screwdrivers into things! Turning them! And adjusting them!
[They screw a plate displaying a stylized atom onto a metal box.]
Crow [as Announcer]: Build your own atom storage box!
[They connect a conical nozzle to a hose.]
Mike [as Announcer]: Bringing you state-of-the-art in soft-serve technology!
[They screw a lid-like disc onto a metal "V".]
Crow [as Announcer]: Snaffles caps off any size jug, bottle, or jar — and it really, really works.
[Exeter's face appears on the display of an interocitor, and Webb attempts to take a picture of the image]
Exeter: "I beg your pardon, Dr. Webber, your camera will pick up nothing but black fog.
Servo: Oh, it's a Goldstar.
⇒ Referring to the Goldstar, a brand of camera that Servo apparently does not trust.
[The interocitor has exploded, leading to billowing smoke.]
Crow [in old lady voice]: Are you boys cooking up there?
Mike and Servo, in chorus: No.
Crow [in old lady voice]: Are you making an interocitor?
Mike and Servo, in chorus: No!
[Meacham pushes a microphone-like Geiger counter probe toward the interocitor wreckage.]
Mike [as Meacham]: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners?
[Joe and a trenchcoated Meacham wait at a fogbound airstrip.]
Joe: Not even a moth equipped with a lightning bug could fly in here this morning, so no plane is…
[He stops as the sound of a propeller airplane grows louder.]
. . .
Mike [as Meacham/Rick Blaine]: You know, all the problems of a honky guy and a wormy sidekick don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.
[A pair of lights descend onto the distant runway.]
Servo: Hey, it's a moth equipped with a lightning bug!
[Dr. Steve Carlson (played by Russell Johnson) approaches Dr. Ruth Adams.]
Dr. Carlson: Dr. Adams!
Dr. Adams: Oh, yes, Steve.
Mike [as Carlson]: What's this "and the rest" crap?
⇒ Actors Russell Johnson (The Professor) and Dawn Wells (Mary Ann) complained when the initial Gilligan's Island theme song referred to them as "and the rest". The second season theme mentioned their characters by name.
[Exeter welcomes Meacham into his study. A curious painting hangs on the wall behind Meacham.]
Meacham: What is more important is…
Exeter: … who we are, and what we're doing here.
Servo [as Exeter]: … and why I have a picture of a burger on the wall.
[Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by Mozart.]
Meacham: What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter?
Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the gent—
Servo [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien!
Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course.
Meacham: Our composer? He belongs to the world.
Exeter: Yes, indeed.
Mike [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien.
. . .
Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow.
Servo [as Exeter]: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien!
[Ruth precedes Meacham and Carlson into the elevator to Exeter's lab.]
Mike [as Meacham]: I call dibs on Ruth.
Servo [as Carlson]: Dibs!
Mike [as Meacham]: Dibs!
[On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a "conversion" platform.]
Exeter: Place your hands above the rails.
[We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.]
Exeter: They're magnetized.
Mike [as Exeter]: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something.
. . .
[Inside the conversion tubes, smoke or mist starts to drift upward.]
Mike [as Meacham]: Whadda ya know! Mine smells like bacon.
Crow: [in "stoner" slur] Must feel like they're inside a bong!
Meacham: Ruth?
Servo [as Meacham]: I farted.
Ruth: Yes?
Meacham: You okay?
Ruth: [nodding] And you?
Meacham: [I] feel like a new toothbrush.
Crow [as Meacham]: So, rub me in a circular motion on your gums.
. . .
[In the smoke-filled tubes, Meacham and Ruth lean back, eyes closed.]
Servo [as Meacham]: Oh… oh, wow! I am Metaluna!
. . .
[Brak leads a wobbily Meacham by the arm from his tube.]
Servo [as Meacham]: I feel safe with you, Brak. You have a gentle touch.
[Protecting Cal and Ruth, Exeter (played by Jeff Morrow) confronts a "Mutant" blocking access to the spaceship.]
Exeter: Stand back! I command you, STAND BACK!
Mike [as Morrow]: Acting!
[On the spaceship, after the mutant attacking Ruth collapses on its own, it fades out, leaving wisps of smoke.]
Servo: Self-Cleaning Mu-tant! Leaves only the fresh scent of pine.
[Exeter, alone, flies his spaceship through the Earth's atmosphere toward a large body of water.]
Mike [as Exeter]: Let's see how many times I can skip this thing.
[Mike and the 'bots are riffing their own credits.]
Crow: Puppet wranglers? There weren't any puppets in this movie!
[The Eastman Kodak logo scrolls through the end credits]
Servo: Eastman! He came out of the East to do battle with the Amazing Rand
Okay. Also on my mind.... In an effort not to continue to alienate people I come in contact with, I have successfully copied and pasted the "source", if you will, of most of my seemingly bizarre references and one-liners. (See below) Read and study it thoroughly, friends, as there just might be a line or two that you can fit in to your everyday banter or cap off that truly awesome conversation with the boss. Or just humor me and say you read some of it. Or better yet, watch the damn movie like 8 times in a row (if you can find it-- thanks Universal for your totally rad decision to not release it again on DVD).
ABRIDGED VERSION FROM THE WIKI:
Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie
[Below the main deck of the SOL, Crow (wearing a soldier's helmet) digs at the floor with a pickax. He's already gotten through the first layer of the ship's inner hull.]
Crow [singing]: It's a long way to Tipperary, to the sweetest girl I know...Goodbye to Noah Beery, hello Harold Lloyd...
Mike: Crow!
Crow: Huh?
Mike: Crow, you've gotta stop!
Crow: Oh hi, Mike! I found the perfect spot. Once I break through this wall, we'll tunnel our way right back to Earth!
Servo: Crow, you big dope, you can't tunnel through space!
Crow: Come, come, boys! We must confound Jerry at every turn!
Servo: Crow, no! You'll breach the hull!
[Crow strikes the floor with the pickax again, creating a large hole in the ship's hull. Everything starts violently decompressing in the vacuum. A light declaring the message "Hull Breach!" flashes madly.]
Mike [screaming]: Aaaahh! Crooooow!
Crow [overlapping Mike's screaming]: Whooooooaaa, I didn't expect this!!
[Servo struggles against the force of the vaccum to avoid being sucked out of the ship.]
Servo [straining]: Gaining maximum RPM...adjusting pitch and yaw thrusters...stabilize...there! That should do it...
[Servo momentarily gains stability, only to lose it a moment later and be pulled towards the hole, screaming. Mike grabs one of Servo's hands, stretching out the spring that makes Servo's arm.]
Crow: Wow, this IS confusing! Mike, you wanna hand me my calculations?
[The wind blows Crow's page of calculations directly into his face.]
Crow: Thank you!...Well, look at that - "Breach hull, all die." Even had it underlined...
[Servo's arm is stretching closer to its breaking point as he draws closer to the hole.]
Servo [hysterical]: Whoa! Ow! I don't wanna die! Ow! Oh, mommy! Mommy! I LOVE YOU, MIKE!
[Servo's hand finally detaches from his arm, and he goes hurtling towards the hole.]
Mike: SERVOOOOOO!!!
[Servo lands in the hole - and his hoverskirt directly covers it up, stopping the decompression. Mike regains his composure and kneels down next to Servo and Crow.]
Mike: 'Atta boy, Servo!
Crow: I won't do that again.
Servo: Hey, I'm experiencing a sensation altogether new to me - and frankly, I love it!
Mike: Now, Crow, I told you - no more escape attempts.
Crow: Believe me, Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding against the odds that I was doing something incredibly stupid...and I went ahead anyway.
[Mike removes Servo from the hole and covers it up with Crow's helmet.]
Servo: Aw, darn.
[The opening credits display: "Universal-International presents".]
Mike: Doesn't the fact that it's universal make it international?
[The title of the movie slowly fade in view as "THIS ISLAND EARTH".]
Servo [as Rod Roddy]: This island Earth can be yours if the price is right!
. . .
[The actors' names gradually fade in and out.]
Servo: Okay, let's see here. Shatner, Shatner… Nope! Doesn't look like he's in this one. We're safe.
⇒ Referring to melodramatic actor William Shatner, Captain Kirk from Star Trek.
[The camera pans over an urban sprawl.]
Servo [as commercial announcer]: When in California, be sure to visit beautiful--
["Washington, D.C." appears on screen]
Servo: ...oh.
⇒ Refers to Universal Studios advertising.
[The camera pans over to the greens-like National Mall in Washington D.C.]
Crow [as Golf Sportscaster]: It's a long par five leading to the nation's capital.
[The camera pans over a shot of a snow-capped mountain range.]
Servo: Oh jeez, there's soccer teams laying all over the place!
⇒ Referring to the 1972 Andes plane crash that forced the surviving soccer team members to turn to cannibalism.
[Shot of plane with 2 things hanging off bottom, perhaps landing gear]
Crow: Hey, his legs are sticking out!
[Dr. Cal Meacham buzzes the tower in his jet. Webb and Joe pointlessly duck, then scramble to their feet and look out the window.]
Servo [as Webb/Stinger]: Maveriiiickk!!
[Dr. Cal Meacham's plane, engines out, is coasting in to a crash landing when it is suddenly suffused with a mysterious green glow
Servo [as Meacham]: Suddenly I have a refreshing mint flavor.
[Plane is landing, flashing green]
Crow:Eat at Joe's Eat at Joe's Eat at Joe's.
[After his mysteriously remote-controlled landing, Meacham and his assistant Joe are walking to their lab.]
Mike [as Joe]: So, was being green fun?
Servo [as Meacham]: Look, I don't want to talk about it anymore.
. . .
[In the lab, through a viewport, we see a rectangular metal slab suspended above a squat, boxy metal coil.]
Mike: Oh, yeah. This is when science didn't have to have any specific purpose.
Dr. Meacham: Lowering the cylinder.
Servo [as Meacham]: Inserting the breakfast pastry.
Crow [as Narrator]: [darkly] The top secret government Eggo project.
Servo [as Meacham]: Contact Dr. Jemima!
Mike [as Meacham]: God, I love the blueberry ones best. Mmmm.
[Meacham flips a switch. The toaster-like coil starts to red with heat, and we hear a pinging sound.]
Dr. Meacham: Increase the rate of reaction.
Servo [as Meacham]: Start warming the syrup!
Mike [as Meacham]: Yum!
[Cal and Joe play with some knobs and dials. The "toaster" emits loud grinding noises.]
Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay.
Crow [as Meacham]: Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around.
. . .
[At the end of the experiment, the toaster object blows up.]
Mike [as Meacham/Morrison]: Oh, my God! My waffle! Oh, the humanity!
[A delivery man is walking to the lab with a package.]
Mike [as Delivery Man]: [muttering angrily] Sort this, deliver that — I'll make 'em all pay!
Crow [as Joe, signing for the package]: Wilt...Chamberlain. [Joe walks away from the door, examining the package] Hey, how'd they get Blow-Up Wanda in here?
[Meacham and Joe have unpacked the mass of ordered parts, which cover every surface throughout the lab.]
Meacham: There's two thousand, four hundred, and eighty-six parts.
[Joe takes a step.]
Crow [as Joe]: [makes crunching noise] Four eighty-five, sir.
. . .
[A montage shows Cal and Joe busy with assembly.]
Crow [as Announcer]: Industry! Science and technology!
Servo [as Announcer]: Big men, putting screwdrivers into things! Turning them! And adjusting them!
[They screw a plate displaying a stylized atom onto a metal box.]
Crow [as Announcer]: Build your own atom storage box!
[They connect a conical nozzle to a hose.]
Mike [as Announcer]: Bringing you state-of-the-art in soft-serve technology!
[They screw a lid-like disc onto a metal "V".]
Crow [as Announcer]: Snaffles caps off any size jug, bottle, or jar — and it really, really works.
[Exeter's face appears on the display of an interocitor, and Webb attempts to take a picture of the image]
Exeter: "I beg your pardon, Dr. Webber, your camera will pick up nothing but black fog.
Servo: Oh, it's a Goldstar.
⇒ Referring to the Goldstar, a brand of camera that Servo apparently does not trust.
[The interocitor has exploded, leading to billowing smoke.]
Crow [in old lady voice]: Are you boys cooking up there?
Mike and Servo, in chorus: No.
Crow [in old lady voice]: Are you making an interocitor?
Mike and Servo, in chorus: No!
[Meacham pushes a microphone-like Geiger counter probe toward the interocitor wreckage.]
Mike [as Meacham]: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners?
[Joe and a trenchcoated Meacham wait at a fogbound airstrip.]
Joe: Not even a moth equipped with a lightning bug could fly in here this morning, so no plane is…
[He stops as the sound of a propeller airplane grows louder.]
. . .
Mike [as Meacham/Rick Blaine]: You know, all the problems of a honky guy and a wormy sidekick don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.
[A pair of lights descend onto the distant runway.]
Servo: Hey, it's a moth equipped with a lightning bug!
[Dr. Steve Carlson (played by Russell Johnson) approaches Dr. Ruth Adams.]
Dr. Carlson: Dr. Adams!
Dr. Adams: Oh, yes, Steve.
Mike [as Carlson]: What's this "and the rest" crap?
⇒ Actors Russell Johnson (The Professor) and Dawn Wells (Mary Ann) complained when the initial Gilligan's Island theme song referred to them as "and the rest". The second season theme mentioned their characters by name.
[Exeter welcomes Meacham into his study. A curious painting hangs on the wall behind Meacham.]
Meacham: What is more important is…
Exeter: … who we are, and what we're doing here.
Servo [as Exeter]: … and why I have a picture of a burger on the wall.
[Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by Mozart.]
Meacham: What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter?
Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the gent—
Servo [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien!
Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course.
Meacham: Our composer? He belongs to the world.
Exeter: Yes, indeed.
Mike [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien.
. . .
Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow.
Servo [as Exeter]: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien!
[Ruth precedes Meacham and Carlson into the elevator to Exeter's lab.]
Mike [as Meacham]: I call dibs on Ruth.
Servo [as Carlson]: Dibs!
Mike [as Meacham]: Dibs!
[On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a "conversion" platform.]
Exeter: Place your hands above the rails.
[We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.]
Exeter: They're magnetized.
Mike [as Exeter]: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something.
. . .
[Inside the conversion tubes, smoke or mist starts to drift upward.]
Mike [as Meacham]: Whadda ya know! Mine smells like bacon.
Crow: [in "stoner" slur] Must feel like they're inside a bong!
Meacham: Ruth?
Servo [as Meacham]: I farted.
Ruth: Yes?
Meacham: You okay?
Ruth: [nodding] And you?
Meacham: [I] feel like a new toothbrush.
Crow [as Meacham]: So, rub me in a circular motion on your gums.
. . .
[In the smoke-filled tubes, Meacham and Ruth lean back, eyes closed.]
Servo [as Meacham]: Oh… oh, wow! I am Metaluna!
. . .
[Brak leads a wobbily Meacham by the arm from his tube.]
Servo [as Meacham]: I feel safe with you, Brak. You have a gentle touch.
[Protecting Cal and Ruth, Exeter (played by Jeff Morrow) confronts a "Mutant" blocking access to the spaceship.]
Exeter: Stand back! I command you, STAND BACK!
Mike [as Morrow]: Acting!
[On the spaceship, after the mutant attacking Ruth collapses on its own, it fades out, leaving wisps of smoke.]
Servo: Self-Cleaning Mu-tant! Leaves only the fresh scent of pine.
[Exeter, alone, flies his spaceship through the Earth's atmosphere toward a large body of water.]
Mike [as Exeter]: Let's see how many times I can skip this thing.
[Mike and the 'bots are riffing their own credits.]
Crow: Puppet wranglers? There weren't any puppets in this movie!
[The Eastman Kodak logo scrolls through the end credits]
Servo: Eastman! He came out of the East to do battle with the Amazing Rand
posted by Lauren at 11:12 AM
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